“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
Wayne W. Dyer
I have been a contributor to a lot of anr blogs, groups, and forums throughout the years. Some have been good some have been useless, but one common message is present on everyone. If a woman refuses to give into a man’s nursing desires the conclusion drawn is that she is automatically being selfish. The same also works when a woman shares her desires with her man only to be rejected by him. Is he automatically being selfish too? This question deserves an answer, but the answer is often surprising because it goes against “conventional” wisdom.
Couples nursing is a subject met with a lot mixed feelings shared by many different people. Some absolutely adore the idea, some would rather get a root canal, but the couples who try it often find they cannot live without it. Some people refuse to even give it a try and that is a shame. A reason for this has to do with the above quote which is about perception. It all deals with how we perceive things to be, the Bible even talks about perception which I will cover later.
Put yourself in a woman’s shoes for a moment. How do they fit? Our first reaction, guys, when rejected is to go on the defensive and blame the woman. I mean she has the breasts, right? That means she has the final say in the matter, right? Is she automatically being selfish or is it something else altogether? Let’s examine a few things first before we jump to conclusions. Automatically jumping to conclusions without looking at the whole picture is foolish.
Perception is everything in life. One person sees a glass half full and another person sees it half empty. Three people could witness a car accident and see it three different ways. But you take all three stories and you get a much bigger picture than if you just took one of them.Perception is all about someone looking at something or someone and interpreting what they see for themselves. Perception becomes reality for most people who witness, on a consistent basis, what goes on and what is said in the world today.
Many perceptions about nursing proliferate in our culture, like dandelion seeds to the wind, unfortunately some of those seeds sprout negative flowers. Walking through the field of perceptions and separating fact from fiction can be a daunting task. One perception about nursing is that a mother and her child are the only ones that should experience it. This does seem valid because a woman will start lactating after the birth of her child, and the “milk making” process does get started during pregnancy. After all, why would a grown man need milk? So, on the surface this perception does make sense.
So, when you bring up couples nursing to your spouse, she’s been so conditioned to think only of “baby nursing”, she’s probably going to think you have a baby fetish. She is thinking that you want to go out and buy adult diapers and a pacifier next. Tragically, most women go to the grave never knowing that they can produce milk without a pregnancy, most doctors don’t even know a woman can induce lactation.
Some men may know about a woman’s physical capabilities, but that’s how women perceive the idea because they have been conditioned to think that way. She fears that this is some sort of fetish and that she will become his “mother” and she thinks this is what he wants her to be. You may try to persuade her otherwise, but nothing you say or do will ever move her position on this issue once her mind is made up.
A woman having these perceptions will think a man is being a pervert if he requests something like this. Thoughts will run through her head trying to rationalize this request. He was never interested when I nursed the children? He never wanted to be close to me before? I always thought the football games were what he liked more? Why all of the sudden the change? Is he hiding something from me? He must be missing his mother.
Men have also been conditioned to think similarly. Men fear that she will become a “mother” to him as well. Considering that the average man relegates his wife nursing him to the “unmanly” category. Adding to the fact that most men have no interest in pregnancy and/or childbirth and childrearing. Most men tend freak out when they find out that a woman has lactating breasts which doesn’t help their case either. Women take all these things in and it becomes part of their reality. Most men have conditioned women believe that they want no part of this. The average man fails to understand this concept and accuses her of being selfish when she refuses to give into his demands.
Men who desire couples nursing need to find ways to make a woman WANT to do it. Treat her with respect and love all the time and be consistent about it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to her when you’re alone together, you can be masculine and tender at the same time. Hold her and make eye contact with her. In short, be a strong but also gentle with her. Even during the dating phase you need to be TENDER with her. Tenderness is what women desire most, they are nurturers by nature and their goal is your happiness and comfort.
A girl who is going through puberty needs to know that she can make milk without being pregnant first. A woman needs to know that she has the ability nurse her husband and care for him. Education is the first step in changing people’s perception, because you cannot fix what you do not know. Research and learn the subject, learn how to communicate your feelings better. Once you receive the truth, use what you learn to better yourself and others in the process.
If we want the perception of couples nursing to change we have to be the ones to change it. We have to start talking about it, we have to be honest with our children. I have said it a thousand times; if you don’t talk to your children someone else will and that may not be good. Couples nursing is a subject that any Christian should never shy away from. If the world saw Christians embracing this activity it would help change perceptions. Every Bible believing, God fearing Christian should include this in their marriage. I believe couples nursing is the only way to establish the interdependency needed for a truly stable partnership.
When I first learned about couples nursing I started to look at women in a different manner. I changed my perception to create a different reality. Instead, of just the opposite sex, I started looking at their nurturing qualities more positively. I started craving those traits and in the process I started talking to women in a different way. When I talked to them I appealed more to their nurturing attributes. As a consequence of changing my approach, women began to express themselves to me more about things they desired. I had grown up thinking that women were too mysterious to understand and I concluded, one and for all, that such a viewpoint was indeed false.
Jesus talks about perception in the following verse. “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! (Matthew 6:22-23 ESV) Your eyes bring in light, but a lot of us have unhealthy eyes so then our perception of light and darkness becomes skewed. A lot of us Christians continue to live in darkness thinking that the darkness is light because our eyes are still blind from ignorance, never recognizing the true light.
To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled. (Titus 1:15 ESV) Perception needs more discussion in Christian circles. The verse, in a nutshell, is saying that if your mind is pure your perception will be pure, if you have an impure mind your perception will be impure. We have to start seeing things from a different perception in order to differentiate the light from darkness.
Are there selfish women out there? Yes, just like an equal amount of selfish men exist as well. Before we jump to conclusions and play the blame game let’s ask ourselves some things first. Why do I desire couples nursing? Am I respecting his/her feelings when I request this and am I sure I have the right motives in mind before I ask? Couples nursing is a big commitment and we need to be the best we can for our partner. Remember that like everything else in life you get out what you put in and relationships are no different.
I challenge Christians everywhere to be the ones to help change the perception of couples nursing so more Christians will practice it in their marriages. We need to set the example because the unsaved are watching us and their present “perception” of us is negative due to the cancer known as self-righteousness. If we start talking about these things openly the unsaved are going to pay attention, and some of them may even be led to the faith. Let’s start having a conversation about it honestly and openly.