See A biblical defense of ANRs, where I address this common misconception.
Again reminding us of the tough balancing act of discernment that’s incumbent upon the Christian is a website that’s not exactly hardcore pornographic but is definitely not family friendly. Yet even they can reveal useful insights.
I came across an article that revealed that about 1 in 3 American men surveyed have fantasized about breast milk at least once. I’m pretty sure the ratio for women is at least the same because women are MUCH less comfortable expressing or exploring their sexuality, as communicated in the email from a female ANR hopeful below.
“I do believe that Christians, especially Christian women, need to open up and talk about sex. There is a sense of taboo surrounding the sexual lives of married believers. There is a boundary that needs to be drawn between edifying and lewd and I think the problem lies partially in not knowing where to draw that line so the subject is avoided all together. Another reason behind why women don’t talk about sex with other saved women is the sense of embarrassment and shame.”
Now of course being a mainstream sexual website, the researcher appears to try to fit a lot of his research around mainstream preconceived notions of ANR being a strange fetish. I was initially excited and intrigued that this well-known site would dedicate an article revealing the underground popularity of ANRs but as soon as his article began turning towards the direction of labelling Couples Nursing a fetish when it clearly isn’t, my excitement was replaced by disappointment.
Furthermore, the author suggested the possibility of Freudian “mommy issues” and asserted that a small proportion of us suffer from adult baby syndrome, and then related most of us with this “fetish” as also having a pregnancy fetish, citing a 2011 study to support his claim.
The next explanation he offered for this peculiar desire was BDSM.
I wish researchers would quit trying to explain away this lifestyle and would especially refrain from using the word “fetish.” This dictional laziness is injurious and grossly misleading. It perpetuates the taboo around ANR. Perhaps many of us want it not due to any psychological or childhood deficiencies but simply because we receive the same pleasure you get from say oral sex or cuddling?
“The world is filled with cheap imitations of manhood because Satan doesn’t want us to experience the real thing. The average dude may be afraid to sing in public, but the man who has encountered God himself cannot help but sing.”
“Wouldn’t know the peace of God if it was placed in front of them.”
– Christian rapper Lecrae
“Did it completely opposite than I thought so I was mocking it.”
– Christian rappers Redeemed Thought, Before Christ
“We have both acknowledged that had we done this in our prior marriages that we most likely would have not gone through a divorce.”
– a nursing couple
“Let no one deceive himself. If anyone among you thinks that he is wise in this age, let him become a fool that he may become wise.”
– The Holy Spirit, 1 Corinthians 3:18
“At that time the Jews were taking refuge in the promised Messiah. The apostles held the same beliefs as the people around them. As Millar Burrows of Yale University Divinity School States, ‘Jesus was so unlike what all Jews expected the son of David to be that His own disciples found it almost impossible to connect the idea of the Messiah with Him.’ The disciples did not at all welcome Jesus’ grave predictions about being crucified (see Luke 9:22). Scottish New Testament professor A.B. Bruce observes that there seems to have been the hope that He had taken too gloomy a view of the situation, and that His apprehensions would turn out groundless … a crucified Christ was a scandal and a contradiction to the apostles; quite as much as it continued to be to the majority of the Jewish people after the Lord had ascended to glory.
Alfred Edersheim, once Grinfield Lecturer on the Septuagint at Oxford University, is right in concluding that ‘the most unlike thing to Christ where his times.’ The reality of the person was utterly at odds with the heightened expectations of the day.
We can easily see in the New Testament the apostles’ attitude toward Christ. Everything about him met their expectation of a reigning Messiah. After Jesus told them that he had to go to Jerusalem and suffer, James and John ignored the gloomy prediction and asked him to promise that in his Kingdom they could sit at his right and his left (see Mark 10:32-38). What type Messiah were they thinking of- a suffering, crucified Messiah? No. They saw Jesus a political ruler. He indicated that they had misunderstood what he had to do; they didn’t know what they were asking. When he explicitly predicted his suffering and crucifixion, the idea was so foreign to the apostles’ mind-set that they couldn’t figure out what he meant (see Luke 18:31-34). Because of their background and training in the general Jewish messianic expectation, they thought they were in on a good thing. Then came Calvary. All hopes that Jesus was their Messiah died on the cross. They returned to their homes, discouraged that all those years with Jesus had been wasted.
George Eldon Ladd, former professor of New Testament at Fuller Theological Seminary, writes:
This is also why his disciples forsook him when he was taken captive. Their minds were so completely imbued with the idea of a conquering Messiah whose role it was to subdue his enemies that when they saw him broken and bleeding under the scourging, a helpless prisoner in the hands of Pilate, and when they saw him led away, nailed to a cross to die as a common criminal, all their messianic hopes for Jesus were shattered. It is a sound psychological fact that we hear only what we are prepared to hear. Jesus’ predictions of his suffering and death fell on deaf ears. The disciples, in spite of his warnings, were unprepared for it.
But a few weeks after the Crucifixion, in spite of their former doubts, the disciples were in Jerusalem, proclaiming Jesus as Savior and Lord, the Messiah of the Jews. The only reasonable explanation I can see for this change is what I read in 1 Corinthians 15:5: ‘He was seen by Peter and then by the Twelve [apostles].’ What else could have caused the despondent disciples to go out and suffer and die for a crucified Messiah? Jesus ‘appeared to the apostles from time to time, and he proved to them in many ways that he was actually alive. And he talked to them about the Kingdom of God’ (Acts 1:3).
These men learned the truth about Jesus’ identity as the Messiah. The Jews had misunderstood. Their national patriotism had let them to look for a Messiah to save their nation. What came instead was a Messiah to save the world. A Messiah who would save not merely one nation from political oppression but all of humanity from the eternal consequences of sin. The apostles’ vision had been too small. Suddenly they saw the larger truth.
Yes, many people have died for a good cause, but the good cause of the apostles had died on the cross. At least, that is what they first thought. Only their contact with Christ after the Resurrection convinced these men that he was indeed the Messiah. To this they testified not only with their lips and lives but also with their deaths.”
-Josh McDowell and Sean McDowell, More than a Carpenter, 108-111 (Man is very small minded. His self-aggrandizing, world-conquering bent makes him completely oblivious to the things that matter most in life. Even after walking with Christ for years and hearing Him stress the necessity of self-denial, all the disciples could think of was sitting at His right and left in His Kingdom.)
“Instead of seeing the death of Christ as a defeat, [Paul] saw it as a great victory, completed by the Resurrection. The Cross was no longer a stumbling block but the essence of God’s messianic redemption.” -McDowell and McDowell, 120
In our case, this can be restated as “instead of seeing Couples Nursing as childish and defeating, many are seeing it as a great victory, corroborated by stronger marriages. CN is no longer a stumbling block but the essence of bodily invasive intimacy and physical union in marriage.”
“This is why I speak to them in parables: ‘Though seeing, they do not see; though hearing, they do not hear or understand.’ 14 In them the prophecy of Isaiah is fulfilled: ‘You will be ever hearing but never never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. 15 For this people’s heart has grown callous; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts, and turn, and I would heal them.’”
-Jesus Christ, Matthew 13:13-15. Natural man is blind to the things of God. Never will he recognise God’s goodness unless God, in His mercy opens his eyes.
What does the typical ANR-desiring woman look like?
As I implied here, she tends to have a face that’s average to above average looking.
As far as body type goes, there seems to be a prototype, with some significant variety.
I have seen some slender ladies that desire this intimacy but the typical woman with strong Couples Nursing interests has the average traditional woman’s body: curvaceous, soft and voluptuous. Even the slender ones were blessed in the right “departments”. For childbearing reasons, God has designed women to have more body fat than their male counterparts, and this beautiful fact is very evident in CN-interested ladies.
“Milk that’s originally meant for baby cows? Love it. Milk that’s originally meant for baby goats? Like it. Milk that’s originally meant for baby humans? Ewwwww. WTF?”
You can’t have it both ways. If drinking milk that’s originally designed for the young of your own kind is taboo, then a new word ought to be invented that adequately describes what it’s like to consume that which was originally created for the young of a totally different creature.
If it’s okay for cute babies to eat, then it’s neither weird nor fetishy.
Bottom line is human milk is best suited for the human digest system.
I’m not advocating for breast milk to become a restaurant delicacy anytime soon, but there’s no proven physical or psychological harm in a man getting it only from his wife. If anything, it’s beneficial.
God doesn’t see the logic in the cow milk-loving, taboo-labeling, finger pointers either, and He sees right through their inconsistency.
I’m sure many believers share his sentiment, sans the you’re-free-to-live-your-life-without-regard-for-that-ancient-book-called-the-bible mindset. In fact, I agree with believers on this point. It’s wrong to thumb through God’s Word in order to justify our every sex act and bedroom fantasy. Such irreverence reduces Scripture to a sex manual.
However, I’ve said several times that Couples Nursing is no mere sex act. Since it creates such a deep bond that it has spiritual ramifications (even non-believers have lauded it for being spiritual and soul-deep), it’s well worth exploring from a Biblical perspective. I think lifestyles ought to be defended biblically, specific sex acts or our favorite positions should not.
But before we go any further, let’s dispel any notions of Couples Nursing being a fetish.
The Oxford English dictionary defines fetish as “a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc.”
WebMD says “A fetish is sexual excitement in response to an object or body part that’s not typically sexual, such as shoes or feet. They’re more common in men. Many people with fetishes must have the object of their attraction at hand or be fantasizing about it, alone or with a partner, in order to become sexually aroused, get an erection, and have an orgasm.”
For many with fetishes, sexual climax cannot be achieved without the particular object or act.
Is Couples Nursing a fetish for some? Undoubtedly. Is it a fetish for most? Is it intrinsically a fetish? Well, given the fact that many ANR-interested folks never experience it, yet they get married and have children, I think the answer is obvious.
I’ve learned that the majority of the ANR-desirous have no problem enjoying sex that doesn’t include nursing. Therefore, it fails to meet the definition of fetish.
Note WebMD’s inclusion of the sentence “[fetishes are] more common in men”. While there are men out there who fetishize ANRs, the fact that a roughly equal proportion of women also greatly yearn for this intimacy destroys the selfish male fantasy theory.
I admit the fact that we all have our biases. For example, I mentioned the owner of the Christian site on sexuality who said he’s not into ANR. His bias was revealed when he gave his interpretation of Proverbs 5:19 to be along the lines of “let her breasts satisfy you in a sexually exhilarating but non-milky sense.” The encouragement to nurse from one’s wife would be inconsistent with the rest of Scripture, he opined. He didn’t elaborate on this perceived inconsistency but I’m guessing he believes that Couples Nursing contradicts the biblical mandate men have to be the leader in the marriage. I could see why he would think that, but he’s making an assumption.
He doesn’t realize that vulnerability/humility and leadership aren’t mutually exclusive. He seems to have jumped to a conclusion and likely never researched or consulted any men engaged in this lifestyle, or else he would get a first hand account from real men whose masculinity is never threatened and who don’t even come close to thinking about paraphilic infantilism or pedophilia at any time during the course of their Adult Nursing Relationship. Placing yourself in a position of vulnerability doesn’t necessarily diminish your status as a strong leader. Even Christ, despite His universal preeminence, was born in a manger, had no place to lay His head and although the only innocent man that ever lived, was brutally murdered. Jesus is my Lord and Master, with all power and authority, but for my sins, He didn’t think twice about putting Himself in a vulnerable position that to the undiscerning eye, seems totally foolish and inconsistent with His position of absolute supremacy. Frankly, that the God of the universe would humble Himself to die like a criminal for His sinful subjects seems crazy. It is utterly inconsistent with most parts of the Hebrew Scriptures, so the Jews took offense and rejected it outright, sometimes violently. This ANR refuser’s claims of inconsistency supports my conjecture that people oppose Couples Nursing probably due to psychological reasons. Most of us have been so socially conditioned that we’re unable to dissociate breast milk and babies.
I haven’t come across anything in Scripture that says breast milk is only for babies. The mental block against Adult Breastfeeding is psychological, not spiritual, in the same way people back in the ’50s had a psychological block against some now widely practiced sex acts- notably oral sex, and I’m sure even against kissing some centuries ago. Christ has set us free from such unbiblical taboos.
The tendency to relate adult breastfeeding with adult bottle feeding is unfounded. While some in the ANR community belong to a sub-community that celebrates infantilism (adult babies), I know from spending time researching and viewing hundreds of ANR dating profiles that fewer than 10% also include this mother-baby role playing sub-lifestyle in their nursing relationship.
I totally disagree with the ANR skeptic’s view of it being inconsistent with God’s Word. One of the most critical reasons for having an Adult Nursing Relationship is unity. What does the Bible say about unity? Genesis 2:24-25 tells us that “a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed,” and we’re reminded in Matthew 19:4-6 and Mark 10:6-9: “Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.” Ephesians 5:29 says a husband is to treat his wife’s body like his very own and in v. 21, we’re commanded to submit to one another. Again reminding us of the one-flesh union and its gospel implication, 1 Corinthians 6:16-17 states: “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.” Song 7:8 states “may your breasts be clusters of the vine,” Song 8:2 essentially reads “we’re in an intimate setting and I’m giving him the juice of my pomegranate to drink,” Romans 12:4-5 and 1 Corinthians 12 tell us we are one body with many members. Hebrews 2:11 states “For he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified all are of one. That is why he is not ashamed to call them brothers and sisters” and in John 17:22b-23, Jesus prayed: “that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and You in Me, that they may become perfectly one.” Time and again, I’ve discovered that couples in an ANR report being a lot more united.
Marriage is an analogy of the gospel. A beautiful one, I should add. But it isn’t a perfect analogy. Husbands and wives aren’t literally Christ and the Church, respectively. Christ doesn’t need the Church like husbands need their wives. While men are called to be spiritual and financial nurturers, women are to be nutritional and emotional nurturers. Ephesians 5:21-33 implicitly says God intends nurturing in marriage to be a two way street. Yes, it’s extremely biblical and beautiful for men to be nurtured by their wives.
Rather than undermining divinely established gender roles by infantilizing the strong spiritual leader of the marriage, Couples Nursing upholds these roles. It fortifies men’s existing natural sexual attraction to breasts, women’s instinct to nurture, and both parties’ desires for marital intimacy.
If one knew every detail of said ANR skeptic’s life, a case could be made for the biblical inconsistency of almost all his actions. If we choose to approach life skeptically, we can probably label everything as being inconsistent with Scripture.
The opposite is also true. We all have our biases and are prone to using any means, especially the most authoritative, to defend them. I admit my inclination towards defending ANRs due to my personal interest. But to see if I’m perverting the grace of God into a license for immorality as Jude warns against, or if I’m twisting Scripture to protect my interest and further some ANR “agenda” of mine, let’s examine the objective biblical evidence. I implore you to click the links to follow and investigate the primary sources for yourself. Unfortunately, some ANR skeptics won’t click any links to these sites in order to do any Berean investigation, for fear of being confronted with what I believe is the truth.
The interlinear Hebrew Bible is available for anyone to read online. Logos Bible Software gives a detailed explanation of interlinear Bibles here. Proverbs 5:19 in the interlinear Hebrew found at scripture4all.org literally reads “nipples-of·her they-shall-satiate·you in·every-of season”. In other words, “let her nipples satiate you in all seasons.”
Screenshot taken directly from Proverbs 5:19 of Interlinear Hebrew Bible on Scripture4all.org (PDF)
Let’s review that. “Let her nipples satiate you.” Men tend to be attracted to women’s breasts as a whole. Mentioning a wife’s nipples sounds incredibly specific.
If the verse were meant to clearly steer us away from getting any ideas about nursing, why would Scripture 4 All use the word ‘nipples’ or a term whose root is to “drench, drink, drink its fill, drink our fill, fill, filled, made me drunk, satiated, satisfy, soaked, water its abundantly, watering, waters”?
Said Christian ANR skeptic objected to concluding that the word ravah, Strong’s number H7301 in Proverbs 5:19 refers to drinking anything, and as another usage worth exploring in the debate, he quoted Proverbs 7:18: “Come, let’s drink deeply (H7301) of love till morning; let’s enjoy ourselves with love!” The same word, he countered, yet nonsensical if it’s rendered in a drinking sense in this context, since love is obviously not a fluid to drink. Good counter argument, but he’s ignoring some inconvenient evidence. Besides Proverbs 5:19, the root word ravah (H7301) appears 14 times in Scripture. In every instance except 4, it has a denotation of drinking a liquid substance. 9 of the 14 are clearly about being bathed/satisfied/drunk with a literal fluid.
Consider these examples (emphases obviously mine):
The generous man will be prosperous, And he who waters H7301 will himself be watered.
“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering H7301 the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
So we see that whenever ravah is used in Scripture, the object is often a liquid like rain, snow, blood, water or river. Proverbs 7:18 is one of the few clear exceptions to the majority rendering, because 64% of the time, the word (mis)translated “satisfy” or “fill with delight” in most of our English Bibles’ versions of Proverbs 5:19, means:
I. to be satiated or saturated, have or drink one’s fill
(Qal) to take one’s fill
to be drunk, be intoxicated
to drench, water abundantly, saturate
(Hiphil) to saturate, water, cause to drink
At 64%, I find the confidence interval slightly convincing. “But ravah is used as a figure of speech, as swords don’t literally drink blood! You’re obviously misinterpreting the Hebrew root,” some might argue. For context, if we read Proverbs 5:15-20 and consider the seven other references there that use liquid, refreshing, nourishing metaphors to describe wives, the confidence interval is augmented by another 35%. All evidence considered, I’m virtually convinced that Proverbs 5:19 originally read “let her breasts satisfy you” both in a dry sense and in a sense of drinking a liquid substance.
If I were married and wrote my wife a letter, I wouldn’t want to annoy or confuse her with dozens of possible interpretations. I certainly won’t want her guessing and questioning my intentions.
17 Therefore, I was not vacillating when I intended to do this, was I? Or what I purpose, do I purpose according to the flesh, so that with me there will be yes, yes and no, no at the same time? 18 But as God is faithful, our word to you is not yes and no. 19 For the Son of God, Christ Jesus, who was preached among you by us—by me and Silvanus and Timothy—was not yes and no, but is yes in Him. 20 For as many as are the promises of God, in Him they are yes; therefore also through Him is our Amen to the glory of God through us.
-2 Corinthians 1
Similarly, when He wrote the Scriptures, God had only one interpretation in mind. He doesn’t vacillate between 30 different interpretations. The duty of the believer is to be in harmony with that sole interpretation. This is precisely why “Second Timothy 2:15 commands believers to be involved in hermeneutics.” In this video, Dr. John Piper does a great job explaining the basics of hermeneutics.
(The following link is a PDF) Song 8:2-3 on Scripture 4 all’s Interlinear Hebrew literally states “I-am-giving-to-drink·you from·wine the·compound from·juice-of pomegranate-of·me left-arm-of·him under head-of·me and·right-arm-of·him she-is-embracing·me” or when translated non-literally: “I am giving you wine to drink, the juice of my pomegranate. His left hand is under my head, and his right hand is embracing me.“
On the topic of biblical hermeneutics, Got Questions Ministries says “Any attempt to ‘spiritualize’ the number [fed by the loaves and fish] or to deny a literal miracle is to do injustice to the text and ignore the purpose of language, which is to communicate. Some interpreters make the mistake of trying to read between the lines of Scripture to come up with esoteric meanings that are not truly in the text, as if every passage has a hidden spiritual truth that we should seek to decrypt. Biblical hermeneutics keeps us faithful to the intended meaning of Scripture and away from allegorizing Bible verses that should be understood literally.”
GQM also says “interpreting a passage contextually involves considering the context of a verse or passage when trying to determine the meaning. The context includes the verses immediately preceding and following, the chapter, the book, and, most broadly, the entire Bible.”
Let’s apply concepts we’ve just learned on Biblical hermeneutics from Got Questions to the Song of Solomon’s chapter 8, verse 2 as follows:
1. The first rule of biblical hermeneutics, we’re told, is to read literally. If the woman wants to feed her husband literal pomegranate juice, it’s rather odd that she prefers to do so in private, to avoid being subjected to neighborhood gossip. I find it rather juvenile to say “let’s sneak into my private quarters so I can feed you some pomegranate wine I just made.” Lovebirds past the puppy love stage are often eager to consummate their relationship in ways much more x-rated than sipping pomegranate wine – all on God’s schedule, of course.
2. Since the literal approach didn’t quite click, we proceed to read grammatically and (more) contextually, and we immediately discern that the wife isn’t referring to feeding her husband wine squeezed from literal pomegranates. Moreover, pomegranate wine isn’t made by simply squeezing it out of the fruit.
Therefore, she’s referring to something other than a literal pomegranate.
3. What is she referring to? Let’s re-read the verse in context. Again, she first expresses the desire to be with her man without being despised. In a private setting. She also longs for the ability to kiss him without engendering any gossip. In the next verse, she says “his left arm is under my head. His right arm is embracing me.” So we read that their bodies are touching and she’s giving him something to drink in a very up close and personal context.
4. With his left arm under her head and right arm embracing her, the husband can comfortably reach his wife’s head, neck, breasts, and her upper torso, not much else.
Further, the only organs that resemble pomegranates on a woman’s body, are easily accessible to her husband, produce a liquid that can be consumed in the intimate context of Song 8:2 are her breasts. Nothing else reasonably fits the scene depicted in the verse.
5. At this point, I believe it’s obvious she’s referring to Couples Nursing, but for the sake of completion, let’s consider the third and final law of biblical hermeneutics, “that Scripture is always the best interpreter of Scripture.” When we “most broadly [consider] the entire Bible,” we read in Genesis 2:24 that “[the two] shall become one flesh,” and in Ephesians 5:28-33: “husbands ought to love their wives as they love their own bodies. For a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church. And we are members of his body. As the Scriptures say, “A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”c This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one. So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself,” we realize that the Bible as a whole takes very seriously the one-flesh union of husband and wife, because it shadows the deep, abiding, organic, visceral, indwelling, invasive union Christ has with His bride. Also, remember that placing yourself in a position of vulnerability can paradoxically be the best way to show biblical leadership (side note: the Maccabees aren’t inspired).
6. Since nothing else reasonably fits the scene described in Song 8:2, and such an intimate, invasive, indwelling union between bride and Groom is very consistent with the rest of Scripture, she has to be referring to Couples Nursing.
Above: no matter how they’re positioned, with his left arm under her head and his right arm embracing her, a man’s face would likely be around the upper third of his wife’s body.
Unfortunately, I’m not 100% certain what the original Proverbs 5:19 says, although contextual evidence brings me extremely close to 100% certainty.
I honestly don’t know how one can twist “let her nipples satiate you” into anything except “let them satiate you in a liquid, milky sense.” I also don’t know how one can miss all the words in Proverbs 5 that describe wives as “fountains,” “springs,” “cisterns” and “wells” from which a man drinks “water,” “running water” and “streams of water.”
Again, Proverbs 5:19 is not 100% conclusive. Scripture 4 all’s interlinear Hebrew Bible reads “let her nipples satiate you.” Others say something like “let her breasts satisfy you.” This is where contextual reading and turning to parallel passages come really handy. I’m now convinced that Song 8:2 offers an even stronger apologetic. It’s interesting how each time I set out to dig into what the Bible really says about Couples Nursing to engage the ANR critic, I almost always uncover another truth that I myself wasn’t aware of, a truth that only ends up buttressing my own ANR convictions.
Furthermore, considering Bible translators’ proclivity for removing erotic material, all the anecdotal evidence of ANR’s ability to strengthen, stabilize, sizzle and steam up marriages, and the Christ-like character traits in ANR-interested women, in addition to the other two Bible verses that very strongly support a Couples Nursing interpretation, there’s absolutely no doubt in my mind that God intentionally left Couples Nursing as an option for couples seeking to deepen their intimacy.
Knowing the right thing to do and not doing it is like grabbing a sharp object and cutting yourself.
-unnamed loved one
That can be backed up biblically: “whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin” (James 4:17).
The loved one’s quote can be stated as: not realizing the benefits of something thus not doing it is equivalent to not realizing you’re undermining yourself.
“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
Wayne W. Dyer
I have been a contributor to a lot of anr blogs, groups, and forums throughout the years. Some have been good some have been useless, but one common message is present on everyone. If a woman refuses to give into a man’s nursing desires the conclusion drawn is that she is automatically being selfish. The same also works when a woman shares her desires with her man only to be rejected by him. Is he automatically being selfish too? This question deserves an answer, but the answer is often surprising because it goes against “conventional” wisdom.
Couples nursing is a subject met with a lot mixed feelings shared by many different people. Some absolutely adore the idea, some would rather get a root canal, but the couples who try it often find they cannot live without it. Some people refuse to even give it a try and that is a shame. A reason for this has to do with the above quote which is about perception. It all deals with how we perceive things to be, the Bible even talks about perception which I will cover later.
Put yourself in a woman’s shoes for a moment. How do they fit? Our first reaction, guys, when rejected is to go on the defensive and blame the woman. I mean she has the breasts, right? That means she has the final say in the matter, right? Is she automatically being selfish or is it something else altogether? Let’s examine a few things first before we jump to conclusions. Automatically jumping to conclusions without looking at the whole picture is foolish.
Perception is everything in life. One person sees a glass half full and another person sees it half empty. Three people could witness a car accident and see it three different ways. But you take all three stories and you get a much bigger picture than if you just took one of them.Perception is all about someone looking at something or someone and interpreting what they see for themselves. Perception becomes reality for most people who witness, on a consistent basis, what goes on and what is said in the world today.
Many perceptions about nursing proliferate in our culture, like dandelion seeds to the wind, unfortunately some of those seeds sprout negative flowers. Walking through the field of perceptions and separating fact from fiction can be a daunting task. One perception about nursing is that a mother and her child are the only ones that should experience it. This does seem valid because a woman will start lactating after the birth of her child, and the “milk making” process does get started during pregnancy. After all, why would a grown man need milk? So, on the surface this perception does make sense.
So, when you bring up couples nursing to your spouse, she’s been so conditioned to think only of “baby nursing”, she’s probably going to think you have a baby fetish. She is thinking that you want to go out and buy adult diapers and a pacifier next. Tragically, most women go to the grave never knowing that they can produce milk without a pregnancy, most doctors don’t even know a woman can induce lactation.
Some men may know about a woman’s physical capabilities, but that’s how women perceive the idea because they have been conditioned to think that way. She fears that this is some sort of fetish and that she will become his “mother” and she thinks this is what he wants her to be. You may try to persuade her otherwise, but nothing you say or do will ever move her position on this issue once her mind is made up.
A woman having these perceptions will think a man is being a pervert if he requests something like this. Thoughts will run through her head trying to rationalize this request. He was never interested when I nursed the children? He never wanted to be close to me before? I always thought the football games were what he liked more? Why all of the sudden the change? Is he hiding something from me? He must be missing his mother.
Men have also been conditioned to think similarly. Men fear that she will become a “mother” to him as well. Considering that the average man relegates his wife nursing him to the “unmanly” category. Adding to the fact that most men have no interest in pregnancy and/or childbirth and childrearing. Most men tend freak out when they find out that a woman has lactating breasts which doesn’t help their case either. Women take all these things in and it becomes part of their reality. Most men have conditioned women believe that they want no part of this. The average man fails to understand this concept and accuses her of being selfish when she refuses to give into his demands.
Men who desire couples nursing need to find ways to make a woman WANT to do it. Treat her with respect and love all the time and be consistent about it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable to her when you’re alone together, you can be masculine and tender at the same time. Hold her and make eye contact with her. In short, be a strong but also gentle with her. Even during the dating phase you need to be TENDER with her. Tenderness is what women desire most, they are nurturers by nature and their goal is your happiness and comfort.
A girl who is going through puberty needs to know that she can make milk without being pregnant first. A woman needs to know that she has the ability nurse her husband and care for him. Education is the first step in changing people’s perception, because you cannot fix what you do not know. Research and learn the subject, learn how to communicate your feelings better. Once you receive the truth, use what you learn to better yourself and others in the process.
If we want the perception of couples nursing to change we have to be the ones to change it. We have to start talking about it, we have to be honest with our children. I have said it a thousand times; if you don’t talk to your children someone else will and that may not be good. Couples nursing is a subject that any Christian should never shy away from. If the world saw Christians embracing this activity it would help change perceptions. Every Bible believing, God fearing Christian should include this in their marriage. I believe couples nursing is the only way to establish the interdependency needed for a truly stable partnership.
When I first learned about couples nursing I started to look at women in a different manner. I changed my perception to create a different reality. Instead, of just the opposite sex, I started looking at their nurturing qualities more positively. I started craving those traits and in the process I started talking to women in a different way. When I talked to them I appealed more to their nurturing attributes. As a consequence of changing my approach, women began to express themselves to me more about things they desired. I had grown up thinking that women were too mysterious to understand and I concluded, one and for all, that such a viewpoint was indeed false.
Jesus talks about perception in the following verse. “The eye is the lamp of the body. So, if your eye is healthy, your whole body will be full of light, but if your eye is bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light in you is darkness, how great is the darkness! (Matthew 6:22-23 ESV) Your eyes bring in light, but a lot of us have unhealthy eyes so then our perception of light and darkness becomes skewed. A lot of us Christians continue to live in darkness thinking that the darkness is light because our eyes are still blind from ignorance, never recognizing the true light.
To the pure, all things are pure, but to the defiled and unbelieving, nothing is pure; but both their minds and their consciences are defiled. (Titus 1:15 ESV) Perception needs more discussion in Christian circles. The verse, in a nutshell, is saying that if your mind is pure your perception will be pure, if you have an impure mind your perception will be impure. We have to start seeing things from a different perception in order to differentiate the light from darkness.
Are there selfish women out there? Yes, just like an equal amount of selfish men exist as well. Before we jump to conclusions and play the blame game let’s ask ourselves some things first. Why do I desire couples nursing? Am I respecting his/her feelings when I request this and am I sure I have the right motives in mind before I ask? Couples nursing is a big commitment and we need to be the best we can for our partner. Remember that like everything else in life you get out what you put in and relationships are no different.
I challenge Christians everywhere to be the ones to help change the perception of couples nursing so more Christians will practice it in their marriages. We need to set the example because the unsaved are watching us and their present “perception” of us is negative due to the cancer known as self-righteousness. If we start talking about these things openly the unsaved are going to pay attention, and some of them may even be led to the faith. Let’s start having a conversation about it honestly and openly.
Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? (Mat 6:26 ESV)
We are in the midst of a very real cultural problem. We live in a society which celebrates being selfish and pursuing material gain at any cost. Obesity, cancer, heart disease, and skyrocketing depression rates are the norm. Our culture demonizes the poor and exalts the rich. In short, if you don’t have the latest and greatest you are nothing. Materialism, like the force in Star Wars, is all around us on TV, the radio, the internet. We work ourselves to death for things we do not need.
This is not limited to the profane (unsaved). Christians have bought into this reality as well. So much, in fact, that the Church is backing it and has even twisted the Bible around to support this extremely selfish ideology. Are you not more important than a bird? God will, and has taken care of us we just choose not to see it. We live in an oxymoron culture. We are connected like never before but we have no personal connections anymore. I doubt anyone knows how to have conversation these days. We as Christians were warned by Jesus not to embrace this lifestyle.
“Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. (Mat 6:19-20 ESV)
How do we fix this? Well, we fix this by building meaningful relationships and loving our husbands and wives the way we are supposed to by celebrating love. Our relationships are everything and we must show love and compassion for others all the time, that is how we rise above materialism. I read stories all the time of people pursuing couples nursing, but inevitably fail because they can’t slow down long enough to get off the materialistic roller coaster. Nursing requires that you be focused on each other, not things and the pursuit thereof.
I understand the need to survive, don’t get me wrong. But what does a huge screen TV and a cell phone, that does everything except change your clothes, have to do with surviving? I am a contributing member on some ANR/ABF groups and discussion panels, and I always tell people that if you desire this intimacy you need to drop the materialistic lifestyle. If you continue to embrace materialism YOU WILL FAIL. There are plenty of work at home opportunities available today which allow you to be nearer each other, and I recommend that the readers here check them out.
Of all the gifts God gave us (besides salvation) being nursed by a woman who loves you blows everything out of the water. Once you experience real feminine love there is no going back, nothing will ever fill that void again. It’s time we grew up and stopped playing the “He who has the Biggest Toys Wins” game. You can accumulate all you want, but you can’t take it with you when you go. It’s time we ditched this material hell and embraced God’s way. Your life will be much richer. No Joke.
All earthly joy begins pleasantly, but at the end it gnaws and kills. –Thomas a’Kempis
In Love and Respect,